Have you ever wondered how you can possibly judge all the music in the world, but not have people think you are a total Butt-Head at the same time?
The following is an article I've written for you, to help you become an objective critic of music, but while still having all your classic-rock hipster friends love you!
Did you hear a song that sounded kind of strange? Did something Toby Driver wrote make you wonder what was happening in the music?
I want you to understand right away, music that makes you think, or makes you not sure what is happening, is BAD!
If you can't tell what every instrument is doing, all the time, on your first listen through the song, then it's a bad song. Period! Remember, music isn't meant to expand you in any way. It's supposed to be very straightforward and calculated, kind of like robots!
You don't really want your music to sound emotional, or different in any way. Because really, a jello that doesn't fit the mold is just...jello.
The purpose of music is to make you feel happy. If a song doesn't make you jump up and down with glee, then it's simply not worth your time.
Music should make you want to Ram your pelvis against some sock-smelling jock's kneecaps in the club. It should make you want to blast it as loud as you can in your pretentious VW Beetle, so that everyone around you can hear the blatantly auto-tuned vocals in your favorite tunes.
Music that makes you feel any of the following, is bad:
Speaking of art...
You need to remember that music is not art! Music shouldn't be a creative reflection of ANYBODY (Nonetheless someone you don't even know). Music really shouldn't do anything different than previous music that was written.
You will notice that many artists do crazy things to try and do something different. They try to express themselves and expand their worldviews.
And that's all fine and dandy. But what happens when someone tries to take this art and make it into music? You have an unbridled failure, that's what happens!
It's really an awful catastrophe when a band tries to have anything different than what you hear on the radio. It's an affront to music, that's what it is!
You should judge music that thinks it is art very harshly. I know some awful artists like The Mars Volta try and do something different in every album! How outrageous!
A truly good band should find a niche, and then they should dig themselves deeper and deeper into that niche in every album!
Take for example, a prestigious band like Nickelback. They started off as a very awesomely generic band with their first album, silver side up. And why are they famous today?
Because they worked that niche. They worked it better than any other band in the world, and I would daresay they have become so great in their niche, that they are possibly the most generic band in the world!
Way to go Nickelback!
You ever see someone who tries to go outside of the basic chord structures? The PROPER chord structures? It's awful. It sounds like an artist painting on a canvas, but in your ears.
A rule of thumb to help you in this, is the "Hear in a year" rule. It goes like this; if it's not a chord that a typical beginner guitar player would learn in his first year of guitar, then it simply shouldn't happen.
Music should never be complicated by any means. It should be simple, like 2-piece puzzles!
And don't even let me get started on those philosophers who try to use bass chords...
It's okay if you don't understand time signatures. All I'm trying to say here is that you should never try and change time signatures within a song.
I mean, what are you? Some sort of wishy-washy woman trying to choose between the sensitive, reliable guy, and the handsome firefighter?
There's no choice when it comes to time signatures. Choose one, and stay with it. If you can't nod your head to it, how do you expect anyone to enjoy it?
I mean, what are you morons trying to accomplish with all these weird time signatures? Are you trying to get people to have to know your music, and listen to it more than once?
That approach is destined for failure, and you better stay away from it.
I know this isn't an exhaustive list, by any means. But I think it will help you get started in judging music objectively!
Stay tuned for more!
My name is Andrew Muller. I love creative art, music, television shows, movies, video games, and a good story.
If you had to find me somewhere, you would probably find me down at O'neils home cooking eating an organic sweet-potato bun breakfast sandwich with ham.
Among my friends, it's a "Muller Classic Move" to eat Mcdonald's at 2am because it's cheap and open 24/7. The joke here is that I'm an idiot.
I play drums, guitar, piano, and I write & perform music for My Goal Is Telepathy. Take a listen to the latest sound here.