I don't know about you, but I love MTV. I love everything about it. If I ever walk through a place where MTV is on ("places" being Gyms, Schools, Billiard Bars, Underage girls rooms, etc.) I immediately jump up and down and make high pitched squealing noises in glee.
The best thing about MTV is every program and song on the Channel is exactly the same, and I LOVE Repetition. This is because things that are different confuse me and make me feel alienated.
So I have written a handy guide to teach you how to create an awesome song and what to do with it. Remember, if young adolescent teens like it, that means it must be genius. This because pre-pubescent girls have better judgment than anyone else on the entire planet.
This is an important rule! Every song should follow this formula:
If you can follow this song pattern, you are sure to have a winner. You can even drop the bridge, and that way you won't have to come up with any new chord patterns!
Remember, if it sounds different in any way, it will confuse the listener! Some idiots in the music industry (Matthew Bellamy, Omar Rodriguez Lopez, Trent Reznor) try to do things that are original and creative, they don't follow this pattern. I can guarantee you that they will never be successful.
It is often important to prioritize your abilities. When it comes to music, this is the order of importance:
1. Jumping Around
Nothing shows a good song like when an Artist is on stage and jumps
around. You can start with small ankle raises if you like, but the best
Artists throw themselves into an all out tantrum.
It is also good to make sure the song becomes more unintelligible as you jump more. By the end you should be so involved with the jumping, you forget what song you were playing.
2. Kiss people.....lots of people
You need to make sure that you take every opportunity to kiss as many people as you can. This is especially true if you are up on stage. Don't fret about gender, just do it!
You never know, you could be the next Madonna and Britney
Spears, all that free publicity....it's making my mouth water. Trust me,
this is one that all famous people know well.
Kissing people you barely know makes them feel good about themselves, and that is good for the environment, and probably some sort of tax refund.
3. Sing from your nose
This is another all important one. Obviously it only applies for the singer of the band.
What you need to remember is that no one actually wants to hear the words you are singing, and you want your voice to sound as whiny as it possibly can.
This sound is attained by singing through your nose, and not using any support from your diaphragm or any part of your body that gets real power.
A little singer's trick I have picked up over the years, is to
plug your nose while you are singing. If you can feel your nose vibrate
and it tickles really bad, you know you are doing it right.
4. Don't learn any instruments
If you don't know where to start in the music world, and don't want to even burden your mind with the knowledge of the inner workings of an instrument, write Rap. Gangster Rap is even better.
The thing about rap is that all you have to be able to do is speak, and you can have an album that is #1 on the charts. Actually, scratch that. You don't EVEN NEED to be able to speak to do rap.
Even Steven Hawking with his little computer speaking machine could do it.
Some people argue that you need to be able to rhyme when rapping, but listen to any of my favorite rap artists (50 Cent, The Game, Daz Dillinger) and you will see that this is a myth.
If you are having any problems singing (forgot the lyrics before the show, don't like the look of your nose when you sing, one of your thighs feels too big, etc.) you may choose to do a Lip-Sync during one of you concerts. This is an awesome alternative to actually giving the people who paid to come to your concert (Suckers) what they paid for.
On the alternative some of you can even fulfill your sexual urges by screwing them this way.
The only problem with doing the Lip-sync is that if you get caught the consequences could be dire (Those "Suckers" realize that they are in fact, suckers) and without the appropriate response you could be in a fair amount of trouble.
The number one excuse is "I only lip-synced because my voice hurt, and I didn't want the people at my concert to get a bad show".
This is one of the best excuses to use because it not only shows
your compassion to the audience, but makes them feel bad about accusing
you as well.
The last rule is:
You want to remember that you are trying to coast through life here. You want to be a famous rock star, and YOU shouldn't have to work because YOU are far to important to do any sort of actual labor.
Any day should be limited to 15 minutes of work, maximum. In
fact, reading this article should be a full days work for you, and you
should rest immediately after finishing.
Everyone knows that famous people don't have to work for anything in their lives, and if you want to be famous you should try and fit in with them, otherwise you will never amount to anything. Some things to help you do less work are:
You now have a Wikipedia's worth of information to help you on your journey to stardom.
If you keep all the advice you have heard here in mind when writing and performing songs you can be sure to be a major hit in the music industry.
My name is Andrew Muller. I love creative art, music, television shows, movies, video games, and a good story.
If you had to find me somewhere, you would probably find me down at O'neils home cooking eating an organic sweet-potato bun breakfast sandwich with ham.
Among my friends, it's a "Muller Classic Move" to eat Mcdonald's at 2am because it's cheap and open 24/7. The joke here is that I'm an idiot.
I play drums, guitar, piano, and I write & perform music for My Goal Is Telepathy. Take a listen to the latest sound here.